The National Basketball 2™ Association
Attention All Citizens of Earth:
I have created a new sporting event that is going to fill stadiums, inspire legions of fans, and completely eliminate war. Because who will want to fight a war when instead you could watch a sport as completely awesome as the one I am about to describe?
Are you ready? No you're not. Sit down.
OK, here it is. It's called Basketball 2™.
"Oh great," you're probably thinking. "A whole new sport with all kinds of complicated new rules to learn. Who has the time?" Well, that is the thing a loser thinks, because here is the best part of Basketball 2™: the rules are exactly the same as boring old basketball, but with two basketballs in play at once.
It's OK. Take a second. Let it sink in.
Are you pumped yet? Two times the basketball action. Do you defend your basket against ball #1 or help your teammates take ball #2 to the opponents' hoop? WHO KNOWS! That's just part of the amazing Basketball 2™ action.
A lot of naysayers hear my idea and get mired down in stupid technicalities. "But," they whine, nasally, "how do you handle the tip-off? And doesn't this pretty much undermine the entire dynamic of basketball?" WHO CARES. This is Basketball 2™. We are not concerned with the archaic rules of your obsolete sport. I dunno, I guess you do two simultaneous tip-offs. WHATEVER; BASKETBALL 2.
Free throws? Sure, you can do free throws. But you only need one ball to do free throws -- the second can remain in play.
Wanna call a timeout? Sure thing, puss-puss whiskerkitty. But I'm afraid a timeout only stops one ball. To stop BOTH, you gotta use two timeouts. Are we excited yet!
Only one new rule applies: should both basketballs get stuck up in a single net, the game is ruled too awesome to continue, and both teams automatically win.
I hereby proclaim myself the founder and global commissioner of Basketball 2™, and I invite any future-minded team to join up now, or risk being left behind playing a sport that nobody is going to care about now that this cat is out of the bag. Licensing fees will be quite reasonable.
Perhaps you would like to start a Basketball 2™ recreational league in your hometown and I guess that's OK. But you must be sure to send me pictures of your games to share here on the website.
So, there you have it. A revolution in modern sport. One man, two balls, and a new world order.
— Steven Frank
Founder & Global Commissioner